I had a few hours yesterday that were unpleasant, which isn't really a big deal in the scheme of my life. I was plum tuckered out from working with not enough sleep. I took a new job that I like heaps better and is closer to home but I just didn't get enough sleep : plain and simple.
Not a good time to engage in self reflection. Not a fun time to be a mama.

But my tired out self got cranky with the kids because all I wanted to do was nap and all they wanted was to spend time with me because they missed me. With each blink my eyelids struggled to regain the upward position.

My tired out self yelled, "Leave. Me. Alone," and slammed the bedroom door. She (that would be me) then wept into her pillow wondering what the hell she was doing with her life.  Still working in a coffeehouse. No pension. No savings. Nearly 40. No Master's degree. No "career." No "plan." No dental coverage and a tenuous budget.

Indulgent. I know.

Sleepy self continued along those lines for a bit until she remembered a woman named Goreth with no job and a heart full of love in Rwanda and the homeless person with sunburned cheeks and smiling eyes who came into the coffeehouse; bought a cappuccino and asked for 2 olives and then pushed her cart away in search of shelter. Sleepy self said, "Enough," and came back to her senses.

It is a constant discussion I have with myself. The one where I tell myself to forget all the "supposed tos" and "should haves." They are useless exercises. 

"Where am I going?"

"I am right here and glad of it!" 

*photo: Kimmy Certa, Digital Sunset.